Oh Beauty, where art Thou?

I find myself starving with an appetite for culture and beauty. My fantasies currently include: attending a symphony performance and letting all the exquisite sound wash over me;
sitting with friends in a cozy coffee shop;
playing in good sessions again;
strolling around Hawaii;
spending time in a gallery absorbing visual art;
eating some culinary masterpiece;
spending time with people that intrigue, enjoy and inspire me;
seeing and spending time in new parts of the world, esp. China and Japan. I'm so craving the East and its accoutrements of late.

I miss the excellence of fine art, the pristine execution and the enlivening of different sights/sounds/tastes... the exotic and engaging. I remember sitting halfway back in the violin section in the storm segment of Beethoven's 6th, sweating like crazy, cause Beethoven made you sweat, thinking your arms would fall off in their olympic expenditure of skill and energy. Hearing it all around you, the depth of the cellos and brass, the richness and volume, the sweetness of the violins.

I want to dance, crochet, paint, play... to engage in that inarticulable whirlwind of creativity that comes from the very Divine Spirit and lets you touch the eternal for a moment and suspend time in that internal place of wonder, rapture and awe.
How I miss it, how I need it.

now I really want some coffee. MMmm.. the deflated flavour content of decaf... how disenchanting... oh well. It's for a good cause.

Of course, my world is not devoid of beauty by any means. I captured this particular one this morning while she was still in the Land of Nod. So lovely is she, and full of such joy.

Appendation

OKAY, ok... enough people have commented on my faulty reporting, I have to make amends.

The foot-in-belly pic is apparently old. My dad and I were both duped, who knows, maybe that chic's mom was too... anyway, my current understanding is that it has been circulating on the net for years in the Land of Forwards, and is more than likely retouched, it is certainly no one I or my dad know. We were the suckers. Apparently even posters have been made of it. I was out of the loop.

Just so everyone is happy and knows the truth. I wasn't intentionally misleading anyone. I was just telling what I was told. But anywho! Can't believe all you hear, obviously. Now everyone is well informed, myself most especially. Thank you to all who helped set me on the straight path.

Happy Birthday to me!

Yesterday that is. It turned out to be better than expected, which is always refreshing, no?
The main point of turnaround was that at the last second, Chris switched his days off and ended up staying home with me all day! Weehoo! A treat. SOO much better than sitting around with no Bear (one of his nicknames) and pouting.

Then there was another thing that made it a delight:

the cake.

oh my dear gracious the cake....
*sigh* how can I do it justice with words? I can't. It was a beautiful thing. They bought it for me at a nice price from a local bakery, and wow... a layer of chocolate cake, topped by rich chocolate frosty mousse stuff, then an inch thick home made real whipped cream layer, and the whole thing was covered in a mocha glaze with white chocolate shavings to decorate and delight. Chocolate is my friend. It was rich enough to get lost in its glory, and the notion of the existance of a malignant presence of something called "sugar" does not enter one's mind at all... but not so rich that you are going, "ok... ugh.. that was a bit much, I think my teeth are itching. I think I'll be sick if I finish my piece."
It was nothing like that. I had no problem finishing my rather large piece, and didn't even feel overloaded afterwards. See? All the pleasure and no pain... Here's to you, Cake, and your Baker.
Chris gave me a gift certificate to the Health Food store (haha) to get myself some all-natural, paraben and metal free makeup - yeah! Shawn and his new wife (my new sister-in-law as of Dec 23) Denise gave me a coupon for one night of babysitting- rock on! and 3 pomegranates that I love. Francis and Mary gave me money for a haircut I got this morning and a bag of assorted fresh fruit. Yumola! Very fun. And we got to eat supper with Francis and Mary so that I didn't have to cook. What's better than all that? I dunno.

Here's a cool quote I'll leave with you in the place of any further foolishness from me.
"Most men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most pick themselves up and continue as if nothing happened." Winston Churchill

trip me out

So here is a pic, and let me make sure it is clear for everyone,

THIS IS NOT A PICTURE OF ME OR MY BELLY

nor is it retouched at all...

This belly belongs to the daughter of one of my dad's coworkers. And I just thought this picture was way too remarkable not to share. She is due in a couple weeks. The baby's name is Aiden Christopher.

Nutty, eh? You can even count the toes! For those who haven't been pregnant, this captures some things we feel when we are! Trippy, ain't it?

Camels sound like they are in pain.

If I was able to blog at 2am from my bed,
A) Chris would be really unhappy
B) I would do a lot more blogging.

Cause my mind is racing at that time a lot. Oh well. During the day I'm on duty-mode, and when I have time to blog, I'm usually so relieved to just sit down or something simple, drink the tea that has gotten cold waiting for me to sit, I can't think of anything to say at that point. I know, society suffers greatly from this unefficient pattern. I'll have my people work on it.

So I never really updated how the whole acupuncture thing is going. I have had 3 treatments to date. I'm finding it remarkable! After the 1st treatment, I had about 30 seconds the next day where my hand felt better. After the 2nd treatment I had 5 minutes that day where my hand was like 85% better, then intermittently the following day, and sporatically throughout the following week to a lesser degree. After the 3rd treatment, my pinkie has felt better almost constantly, with some general lessening esp. in mornings, when I'm rested etc. So overall, wow! It IS doing something! a positive something, and so soon!!! I sure didn't expect to see anything at ALL that soon. Improvement is supposed to come incrementally. Longer, better, till eventually, it comes and stays.

For those who don't know/remember, the deal I'm talking about in my arm is like this. My right arm feels like I laid on it or something and it fell asleep and has had no change since December 2005. Pins and needles sensation with disturbance in sensory, some mild numbness.
Nothing terrible really, by any stretch, but am seeking treatment because I also believe something small out of alignment is both indicative of a larger systemic problem often and can cause any number of other problems from its continued state of wrongness.

A cool quote I heard on the weekend : Humility is the guard at the door of the heart. If he is off-duty, the enemy can gain entrance.

How am I personally? Kinda weird. Ya ya, what's new. But emotionally, wow. Wonky. I wish I knew how much was a direct result of wonky hormones and what is legitimate. But wacky emotions. Happy with my super duper punkin, who by the way has returned to being my super obedient, happy-go-lucky buddy. She is truly the dearest pleasure and treasure with whom to spend my days. Part of my emotional drama comes from the fact that I was mostly an only child (only had a half-brother 16 years older than me), and I don't understand the emotional dynamic of multiple kids. For me, the love was ALL mine. If someone else had been there, they would have been intruding on MY emotional attention. That makes me sound pretty bratty eh? Oh well. Maybe I was. You'll have to ask my mom. Anyway, I'm nervous about how that will work, divying up my time and emotions so that no one feels neglected or replaced etc. Kinda nerve wrecking for me though. I am open to advice and/or commentary on that subject.
That's enough for now.
Later Taters!

Consider it shaken.

Oh Faithful One. I love You Lord.
He didn't die for nothing. He will come.
Thank You, infinitely, for Your infinite mercy, on a people so undeserving, so wretched.
Have mercy on our hard hearts again.

Thank You God.

shake off the dust

Somebody! Shake it up!
I have been in this nasty spiritual malaise that is both annoying and scary. Can't like it.
I don't want to be defeatist. I want to be a visionary. I want to bring hope where it is a commodity.
I don't want to lose purpose in comfort.
I don't want to be lukewarm.
Stir it up in our hearts, God: a passion for Your Name.
I know there is more than this. Oh breath of God, breathe on us!

A Survey on Naming

A Survey:

When naming children, what do you think about giving them obscure ethnic names? A name that people are guaranteed to misspell and mispronounce all their lives, like Daithi. It is Irish for David. It is pronounced "DAH-hee".

Doesn't look like that, eh? I know. Not that that name in particular is on our list, but when I'm mulling, I'm just wondering what people think about that. Do you think it is a curse to the poor kid, to always have to be correcting people, or responding to "uuuh.... Day thee? ? Da-eye-the? Is Daythee here??" when roll is called or it is his turn at the doctor's office, etc. Or is it interesting, meaningful? I was able to talk to one lady with a 'different' name who said, no, the burden wasn't too much, she was so glad she didn't have a common name. But that is just one opinion. I'm looking for more.

dentist to acupuncture to ultrasound - no fear necessary

"Best Kid Ever" title still defended! She had her first trip to the dentist last Thursday morning. Unreal. We were quite conerned, expecting crying drama, potentally pinning her to the chair or something, I dunno. But no sir, not a bit of it. Daddy gave her one hand, and she climbed right up into the chair, kicked back, stared at the ceiling while he probed, brushed, picked, counted. And never made a peep. We were so proud! She has talked about it since like it was the coolest thing, and now when I brush her teeth she says, "Oh, HI Dentist!"

As for my personal fears, I had my first appointment with an acupuncturist that same Thursday morning. Just an interview, and then Friday morning my first treatment. To explain it the way I did to my MD when he asked why I wanted to try it, "They believe their pins and needles will get rid of my pins and needles!" I was quite apprehensive about it, wondering after booking the appointment, what I had gotten myself into. I realized I had this romanticised image of 'traditional chinese medicine', as if I was going to go to a little dojo type building, wear a kimono and drink green tea. (yes, laugh it up, white girl realizes that those are all Japanese things- minus the tea). Then after actually BOOKing an appointment, and imagining it more, I realized, oh my! They are gonna be sticking me with TONS of needles! AAHH! But it is absolutely nothing to be afraid of! There were a number of them I couldn't even feel, (the needles were not a foot long, only maybe 2 inches!) and others were no more than maybe if someone tapped you with a toothpick. The needles are so tiny tiny they don't even necessarily qualify as needles to me, they look more like a stiffer but still pliable sewing thread. Not anything like getting your blood taken or anything. Certainly no pain. Definitely, the overall experience was a positive, relaxing one, more spa-like. Much different than the typical doctor visit, which people dread. This was very pleasant. Refreshingly so! I will be returning in so much as my insurance coverage will allow. Excellent!

I had my ultrasound today, no gender, and consequently it was hard to discern anything as it was in constant motion, I was there for an hour while she fished around trying to get the shots she needed. Kinda funny. She was like, "I guess you've noticed how active it is?" I was like, uh, Ya. She apologized for how long it was taking but, "I'm just having quite a time here. " And trying to see its face, no sir. Not gonna happen. Not at this juncture. Wouldn't be prudent. She was back and forth from one side of my belly to the other and it just kept turning its back to us, no matter where she went. It was hilarious watching it flip around. It did give us a good shot of the foot though, stuck it right out at us, flexed the toes, splayed them out, stuck his big toe up in the "air", all kinds of fun. That's it for now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I thought this was supposed to be fun.

Poor Anna, while this Christmas thing is supposed to be a blast for her especially, (and I'm certain the DAY itself will not disappoint), the whole month of December prior to Christmas is turning out to be one big downer for her. She is not remembering how it went last year... wait wait wait until Christmas DAY and then all these 'no's become YES's! I'm decorating the tree today (only had lights until now) and it is giving her absolute fits not being allowed to play with the balls and other dangerous glass things. If she would sit and be civil about it, that would be one thing. But she will get frustrated and chuck it across the room, or out of the blue decide, 'this box of balls needs to be dumped on the floor from over my head!' Therefore, the balls are unfortunately completely off limits. This torments her. I thought I had a solution by making her the hook gopher, go fetch mommy an ornament hook off the table and deliver it. Great idea, she is involved and needed, has SOMEthing she is allowed to do. That lasted for about 3 hooks until she decided she wanted to deliver them in her mouth like the puppy she has been reincarnated as, and of course, she has to RUN to deliver it....
We didn't like her running with hooks in her mouth, maybe we are overprotective, but....

Then there is the whole present issue. Again, tormented that she can't open them NOW. She can't yet understand the passage of time, or how there will be a time called Later where she WILL be allowed to open them. So, as much as I love having the presents sitting under the tree for as long as possible before Christmas, it doesn't look like that will be happening this year. We are gonna likely have to go Santa-style, and have it all miraculously appear on Christmas morning. Oh well. There are worse things!

Onto another topic, Anna been able lately to remember and recount to me a few of her dreams! I find this remarkable. There have been four now, most recently last night. She dreamed that there was a fire in our kitchen, all over the floor. She even paced off the area for me where it had been. And Mommy put water on it and fixed it. It was so real to her, that when she came out this morning and looked at the kitchen she said, "Wow, you got it aww cyeaned up!" She fully expected to see mess from the fire. Wow. There was only one time my dream was so real to me I was confused by reality upon waking. Once I dreamed that a friend of mine shot me in the head and I only had a day to live. When I woke up for real the next morning, I raised my head gingerly looking for the blood on the pillow. I was certain I had just napped, and was confused that I was NOT in fact dying. I had to keep telling myself over and over after I woke up, I'm NOT dying, it was a DREAM. I had been prepping myself for death so much in the dream, I woke up more or less ready and expecting it. Weird.

Regarding weather, what's it like where you're at? We are having an incredibly mild winter so far. No complaints! It is great! I've been able to just wear my jean jacket for a coat. Yeah!
Off to nappy land... see ya's later...

just blather

What was that I said about not looking fat? ya, scrap that. FATTY-oh-fatness. OH well.

All kinds of things to say til I sit here to type. How do other people do it? Lethologica. It's a nasty condition.

So my 4 month fetus is already auditioning for the remake of Karate Kid in 2025. Doing a lot of practicing as far as I can tell right now.
It's like, "can you feeeelll..... this? How about..... THIS! .... ooorrrr THIS! *WHAPOW*"
Uh YA, thanks, got that! I think I'm in for a bruised and sore last 4 months.. good grief! All good. Actually I love it. It fascinates me to no end and makes me want to have 10 kids, just because of the wonderment of this phase of pregnancy. There is the emotional rollercoaster side, where I'm really worried how I'm gonna divvy time between a needy newborn and my darling beloved Anna who is used to all my attention, AND a hubby... But, same as when I was having Anna in the first place, I just have to tell myself with repetition, nearly every other woman in all of time has done it before you, you can too.
This simple reminder/reassurance gets me through a lot of otherwise overwhelming panicky anxiety.

In other news, I have discovered I love sardines! I know, I know, I nearly had an identity crisis when I killed my first can. I will open a can and totally clean it out all by my lonesome for lunch. Hopefully the benefit of the omega 3's (sardines are an awesome source for those) outweighs the sodium I'm assuming is too high in anything that is canned.

I have ordered some maternity clothes I'm super excited waiting to receive.... yeah for Old Navy clearances ! Although I had to jump through ridiculous hoops since they will neither send to Canada, nor will they even accept a Canadian credit card online... yes, it amounted to no small amount of frustration at the time, but now that it is worked out (my dad is buying and sending them to me and we will reimburse him) I'm putting the past behind me and looking ahead to my hopefully semi-stylish pregnancy. Neither I nor my karate kid are appreciating my regular jeans ANYMORE.

I still have lots of Anna's presents to wrap, so I guess I should get to it... I just hate leaving this un-touched for TOOO long...

But the highlight happy thought is... Christmas decorations! I love them! The lights have got to be one of the cheeriest things in the natural world and I love love love giving gifts... I had some saved, so I'm actually able to give anna and chris some things... it feels SOOO good!!! Yeah!

Who knew?

You Are 81% Peaceful

You are the epitome of inner peace and total calm. You are grounded, emotionally mature, and very wise. While no one's life is perfect, you have a great amount of perspective on the world - and you place in it.

How Peaceful Are You?

I think I would be even more peaceful if I had that chic's hair... nice.... mmm.... shiny.....

Christian Life

I am overwhelmed with these questions.

I haven't been able to sum any of this up nicely yet, but there is something I am stumbling over, and that is making me crazy right now.
Here goes:

So there was John the Baptist. He lived in the wilderness, ate locusts and honey, and wore burlappy type sacks for clothes. Jesus said of him in Matthew 11:11, "among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist."

Jesus himself was a big scandalous trouble maker among church leaders, and upset the status quo for most everybody He encountered - for the good, of course!

I am wondering to what degree our lives as Christians are compromised and fruitless because of our being man-pleasers instead of God-pleasers, and HOW our lives should change. Most people thought JB (John the Baptist for now) was a psycho, I'm sure. He just wasn't normal, let's face it.
If he were here today, he wouldn't be at the movies, he wouldn't play video games, etc. (sorry for another shot at movies... I'm just not thinking of more creative examples), he wouldn't live in a fancy house, or wear brand name clothes.

I imagine these 2 types of western Christians. They have to be western, cause I don't know how things work elsewhere in the world, socially, and I'm trying to figure out how to live here.

Christian #1 is a fairly normal guy on the surface. Yes, he loves God very much, is very devout, knows his Bible, whatever. But he doesn't freak people out with his intensity. He is a Christian while still being accessible to the larger population, and nobody thinks he is a psycho. At face value, his life isn't that different from your general upstanding citizen. Because he is accessible, he has more chances to talk to more people about God who don't instantly disregard him.

Then there is Christian #2 who DOES freak people out. He has so given his life to God's affairs that he stands out from society at large. He doesn't take more than he needs, he is not afraid to wear nerdy clothes and live in a home that isn't trendy or big or drive a little older, again, nerdy car. (a socialist for Christian reasons :P ) He chose this humble lifestyle in order to be able to give more to the truly poor and needy. He spends more time with church than most people deem 'balanced'. He spends more time praying and reading the Bible than most people deem 'balanced'. He knows little of pop culture because he doesn't bother with it, maybe sees it as a distraction from God. People think he is an insular, out-of-touch weirdo.

Which life has more impact? Or can we know or say? Which life is more pleasing to God?

I have been struggling with this for a while, but it came to more of a head when I heard criticism of people I know who have given their lives to prayer, fasting, and community service, I don't see how that is so much more different than Mother Theresa, whom I didn't hear ANYone of ANY faith criticizing. Everyone except the hedonists, who might have called her a sucker missing out on transient physical pleasures, or said, oh, isn't she noble, living a selfless life in the service of others.
I'm not saying every intercessory missionary should be up for sainthood.
I'm merely trying to figure out where the balance is in being accessible, living IN the world and not being OF the world, 'coming out and being seperate' while still having an impact, while still being true to the calling and the life that Christ led, if we are indeed following Him as we claim.

I don't think everyone should live in the desert or have to eat locusts, or even Kraft dinner 10 nights a week. I think that thrift store finds are perfectly acceptable replacement for sackcloth.
But I wonder how much we are rendering our Christian lives powerless and fruitless by our choices.
Today I spent $90 on maternity clothes from Old Navy. More than I've spent on clothes in years. Mind you, I still managed to get 7 items: a bargain by general retail standards. And I don't feel guilty about my purchase. BUT ultimately, I know the reason for spending that was vanity and pleasing man instead of God. It doesn't do anything for God if I'm stylish. I could have covered my body for a lot less with some less than stylish selections from the thrift store down the road. But my vanity wanted to still be "cute and cool" during my period of inflation. We make choices like this all the time.

How much more humble could/should our lifestyle be in order to be more selfless and giving?
How afraid are we of being weird or even material for a mental ward? Is this valid? How concerned should we be with being off-putting? JB was not concerned with being off-putting. He was OUT there, literally! Is it an excuse and copout to try to make your life more moderate so people don't think you are a freak and can relate to you? I really, really don't know.

I've always loved II Corinthians 5:13 : If we are beside ourselves, it is for God; or if we are of sounds mind, it is for you.

Basically, I'm keeping my cool here so as not to freak you out. But really, if it were just me and God, I'm not gonna look normal, so I'm playing it down and containing it for your sake.

Back to point-

People I know that live as Intercessory Missionaries (somewhat akin to a modern-day, Protestant monk life, if it was an order that was active in community and social justice as well as prayer) are called a cult or mentally unstable now by some because of how much time they spend praying etc. and because, likely, a lot of them are rather intense individuals, not afraid to walk up to strangers and say things like, "God told me [fill in the blank] to tell you", to be more overt and visible in their Christianity.

I ranted a bit about this when I started the blog.

Can both Christian #1 and #2 be called "sold out" Christians, that have let go of their attachment to the world and are truly living FOR God?
What is the Church supposed to look like? Where is the true obedience in all that, where is godly living? Where is the church that changes the world by being devoted to and subjected to God? What does that look like? What WILL that look like?

I dunno. and it's making me nuts.
please... any feedback? Even email me if comments are too impersonal or visible, or brief a format. I would love to hear from you!

Movin' on up!

less and less ghetto all the time :P
Little pleasures...
This pregnancy is gonna have at least two distinct advantages over my first one. There was WAY less puking for one thing, (thank You Lord!) but the other day I remembered something else that I will so enjoy, esp. as I grow more cumbersome. Let me back up a little bit.
*beep* *beep* *beep*

When we were first married, we were able to enjoy a variety of very interesting habitations, or crappy rentals, depending on the light you shine on it. From the marraige ceremony straight on through, our experiences will make great stories for kids/grandkids if the Lord tarries. But I won't go back that far. The part that is pertinent to this story is this. At the Frankville house, where we were at when I was in my final trimester with Anna, the "hot" water tank was more of a tepid water tank. The elements were shot. So we boiled water in our largest stew pots and kettles to pour in the tub, trying to warm up the shallow pool of cool water. It never really worked, but it was a decided improvement on the "cold bath in winter" idea. So our only bathing option was very shallow tub of more cool-than-not water. Certainly no showers. It was a definite challenge for me, trying to turn myself around and maneuvre (sp?) this large protrusion of a belly around in an attempt to at least get myself all wet and hopefully washed. That poor belly got banged and binged on the sides of the tub So much in this fiasco... I remember thinking, MAN, a shower would be REALLY handy right now! And then the other day in the shower I thought, oh boy!! I'm gonna get to shower this time, with hot water and EVERYTHING! What luxury! Excellent.

Anna is a less obstinate now that she is totally feeling better (still lingering cough though... amazing how that can hang on sometimes!). Still being more of a toddler, however, in the perjorative sense of the word. I know it is written: man (and that includes 2 year olds) cannot live on bread alone. Although I know of one who lives on hot dog buns... but anyway, digression...
We can't live on bread alone, but what about bread, orange juice and yogurt? That's pretty well all she wants right now, although she did eat a good supper this evening of fish and potatoes, with only minor threats of retribution. I'm glad she likes my bread and all, but sheesh. What is it with kids and bread...

On a lingual note, I gave her one of her Christmas presents early. A Bouli vhs, which is a cartoon snowman all in Irish. I gave it to her on.. Thursday? And by Sunday, the difference in her Irish was unbelievable to me. Like I said, she had never heard a conversation before, so I guess this just made sense of it all. It's not mommy's silly talk, there are ways to respond and communicate further. She is using it back to me now occasionally, which is a huge improvement on never, and even translating some English things I say to her! I really can't believe the difference ONE little cartoon made. I guess it filled in some important gaps! There was one phrase that really tickled her, because she has heard me say it so much. "Cad e sin? " (what is that?) Somebody said it on the video and it cracked her up, as if she was thinking, MOMMY says THat!!! HAhaha! And she went around repeating Cad e sin?? Cad e sin?? for like 30 minutes and cracking up every time. SOO funny. Guess you had to be there.

We were given an artificial Christmas tree which I have already put up. We haven't yet decided if we will keep it, however, as it is a little ... uninspiring. But Anna keeps saying, "I yike your tree."

A comment on God as a Father

He fathers us, right? Yes. We are His children. Yes.

I have heard so many people over my life complain about what they perceive as this nazi god, He's so mean, all you ever hear from Him is NO no no no no. Don't do this, don't do that!
WELL, to all those people, (who are not reading this, but oh well), maybe that's all you are hearing because you are being a little disobedient brat. Guess what? If you do what He says, there is no need for Him to be drilling law at you. If you make it your business and/or perogative to do whatever the heck you want, yes, what's He left with to say, but no, don't do that. stop it, no no , stop it, no... Because He loves us, and being a good Parent, He has to inform us of what will be harmful to us and try to enforce it, to carry out consequences.

Ok, there's no hiding this is coming from a personal experience, so I'll cut to the chase. Up until the last month, Anna has been virtually effortless to parent. Seriously. I have gotten off SOOO easy. She obeyed everything at first suggestion and often didn't even have to be told stuff. I almost felt guilty when talking to other friends and hearing their struggles with their kids. She would eat whatever she was given, play with whatever you suggested, indefinitely, stop instantly if she learned something was not favourable to us. Now she is pushing, which I suppose is normal. They go in phases. But I realized, especially in the last couple days, how I didn't even feel like a parent that much to her. She was just my tiny little friend. We could hang out and there was never any tension cause she was perfectly agreeable and obedient. These last days, I am feeling like the big meany, the nazi, the nay-sayer. Because she refuses to do what she is told, and is not being compliant, that puts me in the position of being the stern enforcer. I never had to do that yet. She didn't make me. Now she is. I don't enjoy judgment and discipline, I far preferred being her chum, but I have to do it, if she is rebellious. When she is being obedient, we can just carry on happily like a couple buddies, and she might have never seen me even look stern.

And I said to myself, aaaahhhh.... we do that to God.
Maybe your own behaviour and heart attitude are determining/affecting how you see God. Your relationship could be different, better; heck, like a couple buddies.
I believe that with my whole heart.

character corruptors and a giggle

Listening to the CBC this morning, I heard about a study done at the University of Michigan recently. They were looking at the effect of thought topic on social interaction, specifically, how people interact when they are thinking about money, or if there is any change in how people interact when they are/were thinking about money.
There were 2 groups.
The first group was given crossword puzzles etc. that they were to complete together as a group, and all the words in the puzzles were about money, salaries etc.
The 2nd group also had puzzles, but with words unrelated to money altogether.
The first group was less patient with each other in working together.

But the main test was afterwards. They put them in with some students in a social situation, this is the part I missed thanks to being asked a question by a toddler, but they were thrown in with students anyway, the circumstance I can't define. Anyway, the people in group #1 were far less likely to ask for help (humility) or to offer help to the students (generosity/service) than the people of group #2.
ALSO, interestingly enough, the people of group #1 distanced themselves from people. When placed on couches with others, group #1 made a point of sitting at least 10% further from their neighbour than people of group #2. The commentator suggested that was due to a primal self- protection instinct, 'guarding what is yours' kinda thing. (greed)

And all this from the subconscious suggestion of thought about money. Very interesting.
We have all heard the verse 1 Timothy 6:10
"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil..."
The LOVE of money... why does that always get confused with money itself. Little green papers are not intrinsically evil. Anyways, tangent.
It is the LOVE of money, the greed, the not-relying-on-God and trusting Him, but putting one's trust in the dollar (or man, yourself, and your ability to look after yourself), that are at the root of all manner of evils.
Looks to me, if I'm not over-concluding, which I probably am, that we have something in us, be it our sin nature or training from our greedy culture, that even the mere thought of money can begin to draw out darkness in us, including pride, selfishness and greed. Wow.
Just one more reason to be diligent in excercising control over one's thought life.

So here's an old Anna story that I kept forgetting to post.
On this day during lunch, Anna stopped with a start and called to me with huge eyes, while pointing to her belly.
"Mommy! My tummy is bouncing!"
She had the hiccups.

And remember the little crying kid at the church nursery she kept trying to comfort? Turns out he was sick and now Anna is battling that a little too. She got sick in her bed the other night, and this is her retelling of the events the following morning to my Dad on the phone.

*fairly graphic depiction : you have been warned.

"And I was sick! In my woom.. and I was dwipping... and .. and... it was food... and it was in my mouth! and then.... it was in my bed! and.... I choked.. and I coughed.... and...it was not a good idea."

midnight scatterbrained mania

Stupid thing #1 : blogging at 1am. I should have been asleep hours ago. I will pay for this tomorrow.
Stupid thing #2 : deciding carelessly at 4:30pm to have a coffee, when your body is no longer accustomed to caffeine cycling in it. Nice. Thus facilitating stupid thing #1.

But since I'm up...
Yeah for inspiration! I have been musically dormant for a number of months, unable to find my mojo. Partly because I found I wasn't hearing anything that inspired me. I heard some today, yeah! Chris and I went to a ceilidh in Judique today with Mairi Rankin rockin out and Jackie Dunn-MacIsaac on piano. MAN Mairi is playing great, and it so got me all wound up, and looking to play again. Which is good, cause I was not happy in my stumped lethargy.

Otherwise, I am featured in an article in the November issue of Celtic Heritage magazine. This is their website, but it hasn't been updated for the current issue, and I don't see anywhere where a person can just buy one issue, I only see subscription options. Stinky. I am going to phone them, so if I learn anything more on that subject, for any interested parties, I will post the info. I wish I had seen the article, to know if I wanted anybody else to see it first!! Oh well! I'm being bold.
http://www.celticheritage.ns.ca/index.htm

So Anna and I went to church this morning. At one point, apparently, Anna found that the minister was a little long-winded in his prayer, and she piped up in a strong voice, "We thank You God for ALL these things, in Jesus' name, AMEN."

At which point, of course, myself and the people next to me nearly split themselves laughing. It was a beautiful moment. She is too much.

Then later in the nursery, I was with her, watching the kids, and she is just so grown up, it was hilarious watching her interact with the other kids. There was a kid 6 mo. older than her who kept kinda crying and pouting, and she kept going over to him, saying, "Awww, Sweety... it's ok," while petting his arm. Then she would come over to me to report, "He doesn't yike it. He's cwying." Then there was another one a couple months younger who was really shy and wouldn't go play wth the toys. So Anna took it upon herself to look after her too, so she kept delivering toys to her, trying to engage her and draw her out. SOO funny to me, esp. in the face of so many people's fears and comments that she would be socially inept because she spends 'too much time just at home with only her mother, and doesn't learn how to interact with other people.' I wish those people could have seen her this morning. If anything, she is more gregarious than any other kid she's had a chance to play with so far.

I'll take this opportunity for a complaint.
I am so homesick. Blech. Oh well. I have had a couple moments recently, even today, where I felt this suffocating sense of not being able to be me. It made me want to scream, jump around like a monkey and be really in-your-face sassy, as if to say, "and you thought THAT was annoying!" Of course, I did nothing, but stand and maybe look distant for a second, while I imagined myself with people who better received me... then continued on.

I am excited about Anna's Christmas presents. We ordered online all Irish stuff for her. 2 cartoon videos in Irish, 2 music cds and 2 books, of a series she already likes, so that's cool. Actually, one of the dvds is of Dora the Explorer overdubbed in Irish! Isn't that hilarious??!?? I cracked up when I saw it, and could not pass it up. These resources will be SO helpful for BOth of us. She needs to hear it from someone else other than me. I recently realized, she has never heard a conversation in Irish! She only hears one side of a conversation, ME. No wonder she doesn't understand how to respond to me usually, even though she knows the words, and understands whatever I say. So the videos esp. will be good for her. And for me too, to be hearing it more.

My morning sickness is now sticking to mornings, just a couple hours. Much more do-able. Now I'm starting to get excited about the prospect of what this little person will be like. So much potential, excitement, anticipation, and it's only beginning!

hmm... I guess that's about it.

kid update

In response to Katherine's inquiry.

I am 13 weeks, I have one more week 'til the 2nd trimester. The fetus has all its organs, fingernails, and even distinctive fingerprints! Nuts, seeing as how it is about 3 inches long and weighs about an ounce. Wow. I am starting to show, esp. if I wear a fitted shirt. Am looking a little more pregnant than just fat, which is cool.

Still enjoying food immensely and am ale to eat healthier stuff and drink water finally! Yeah. I would like to mention my jubilation that Anna is eating better now! She was going through this toddler picky period, although her picky period is more like some kids eating-everything period. But last night she totally CLEANED a bowl of chana masala I made for supper. OH ya! THAT's my Anna!!! Chana masala is a chick pea & tomatoe indian dish.

life, death, and a ghetto boogie

Mmm.. sitting by the fire, reflecting.
Just a couple random thoughts from the last couple days.

One was about the circle of life and rejuvination. I heard a one of those songs that says that the holidays more or less stink and are depressing because of all the losses or pain that one has experienced over the years during this time that the season only seem to commemorate, or the loved ones that one does NOT have near them, because of death, or seperation of some variety like break-up, divorce, etc.
I haven't had any great history of tragedy coinciding with this season, which I know some people have. I can only cite the loss of my Grandma with whom I was very close, 3 years ago, Dec. 15th. Death and divorces bring one down, but then I looked at Anna, and I just realized how the cycle of life makes you look forward. Children are so very time consuming, but one benefit of that is that it makes you move on, and it supplies you with an abundance of new memories. They are so fresh and full of new life, new ideas, new explorations, excitements, innocence... you can't help but have a smiley face painted on the frowney spots in your memory. A built-in survival mechanism God put in our lives and world to turn sorrow into joy. Pretty cool. Of course I'm not offering this as a one dimensional cure for sadness, but that life does bring hope.

Then I heard one of my favourite songs again last night, for the first time in a couple years: Killing me Softly. Yes, the new ghetto version by Lauryn Hill. I love it. It came out when I was in high school, and I used to sing harmonies with a bunch of black girls in the orchestra room, doing our own little rendition of it. A great memory. I just love the song. Maybe some will find this sacreligious , but I find Sinatra's version SOOO white now. Oh well. My apologies to his faithful admirers. So I heard this song again, and all the associated memories came rushing up. My shoulders instinctively began that little shrugging/bounce dance thing that we always did and all these ghetto gestures, (the Mary J. Blige etc.) that are undoubtedly laughably out-of-date now to any current ghetto kid, nevermind my rural-white-mom rendition of them.

More often than not, when a person lets go, expresses themselves with very much freedom and liberty, they don't end up looking super cool. Like the interpretive dances I perform for Anna to various classical pieces, in my own little version of ballet/modern/freestyle. Ya. I grew up doing this style of dance on a daily basis, and loved it, my parents loved it, but they were biased. And Anna loves it. But she hasn't yet a concept of "cool", for which I am utterly thankful and dread her learning that word. There's singing too. I'm a "nobody's-home diva".
Boy, if there's no one to think critical thoughts, watch out Mariah, Jenni is on the stage.

I know full well that I neither sound the way I hear in my head, nor look the way I imagine when I dance. I can't actually execute these imagined beauties.

This is precisely what I am lamenting. That inability to express what one imagines. Beautiful songs I hear and dances I choreograph, but are stuck in my head to be enjoyed by an audience of one: me. Then there is the unfortunate reality that if I ever do my little shoulder shrug dance when Anna is older, even though it will seem perfectly cool and natural to me, I will look completely ludicrous to her. This stinks. I don't know how else to say it.

Just blather. No real commentary or anything deep to glean from it.
On a totally side note, I totally endorse Lauryn Hill's rant to the Vatican. You go girl.